Truth

I talked to someone today that I haven't talked to in two years. They were asking me questions about what i've done and where i've been. As I was answering these questions honestly, not leaving out the sordid details, this person was apalled. They kept saying that I couldn't possibly be serious about what I had done, because I was not that sort of person. I got to thinking about their reaction and realized that they were right. Two years ago I would have done none of the things that I was describing. SO when did I change so drastically? It stunned me for a moment...and then I broke down and cried. I cried for all the time I wasted being someone that I didn't even know. I cried for putting other people's desires and wants ahead of my morals. I had become what everyone else wanted me to become and not who I truly am. In light of this revelation I have decided that the only solution is to begin to be true to myself. I know that there will need to be sacrifices, some of these being friends, and I will have to unload all of the baggage that I have been carrying that doesn't even have my name on it. Its not easy to look at yourself and realize that the person you have become is the same type of person that you have always ridiculed...a poser. I never really wanted to do some of the things that I have done...but I have no one to blame but myself. Admittedly some of these activities were fun while they lasted...but at what cost to my soul? I am struggling with the facts of my self discovery...and the answers to these problems I have uncovered are so unclear to me. The hardest part of my journey ahead is going to be losing a best friend. I love her unconditionally...but her influence is one that I do not need as I become myself again. I have already put the wheels in motion to delete the last two years of my life, and the weight that I have lifted off my chest already leaves me feeling rejuvenated and hopeful. I'm thinking that this new path I am running towards is going to help solve a lot of the problems that I have been struggling with lately...but there isn't any more to tell at this point. Rest assured that an update will be forthcoming though. Until then...

My Paper Heart

I just watched the movie Paper Heart and I guess it really got me thinking about what my definition of love is. I was thinking about all the things that have happened in my life that may have affected my ability to fall in love. While I was thinking about all this I remembered an entry that I had put in a long forgotten journal. I thought that I would post is on here for my first ever blog about my life. Just in case anyone actually reads this. If not then it will just be a re-visitation of my feelings about my mediocre life. So here it goes. -- When I was young I never thought that I would write about the dark side of my soul. All the things that I always kept hidden, the thoughts and feelings that no one ever knew about. I was a very happy child. I have very loving parents who only fought occasionally, and siblings who were loads of fun, and a pony, which we all know all little girls dream of having. We all remember our childhood dreams. Visions of grandeur...such visions that are always snatched away, shattered before our very eyes. No two people grow up alike, even ones in the same family, therefore no two people lose their innocence in the same way. For some it happens when their heart gets broken for the first time, and for others it happens when one watches someone else's heart get broken and witness the very fibers of their life fall apart. What is innocence other than ignorance. In the whole scheme of things isn't our loss of innocence inevitable?What is the point of clinging to somethings that, in the end, gets destroyed. I remember the screaming, back and forth, back and forth, until it was just a drone of voices and not so much a conversation. The words were always clear , but their meaning was not. Very rarely did the shouting end with the initial grievance resolved. More often than not there was always tension and turmoil in the house. Of course, its easy to remember the tough times, for they were the most frequent. It was the good and tranquil times that strain the mind to remember. Civil conversations are the ones that don't stick in your memory. I tend to think that's where I got my cynicism. All the anger. Growing up we were always kept oblivious that there were real and serious problems. For example " your dad is working late...he is on a trip for work...of course he will be home, he is just out with some friends." The previous explanations setting the standard for my father's absences. I was too young to be told the truth, eight years of age was such a tender, innocent age. So I was not to be tainted with the cold, hard truth. In retrospect I think that I knew the truth of my father's illness, but I was still to naive to to fully understand it. To me his absences meant we couldn't make it to a horse show, or we had to cancel our plans for the weekend because daddy had the money and if he didn't come home there would be no way to fulfill our plans. I didn't, at the time, realize the repercussions of his actions. I observed that his irresponsibility made my mother cry, and that made me upset based on pure empathetic instinct. As I write this I try to think back to all of the activities that our family did together, but my hate-filled, cynical mind only allows me to remember the moments that my father wasn't present for. I remember watching Monday night football, eating homemade pizza, I remember my mom dishing us all ice cream and us three kids waiting in line for dad to stir it up, mine was always vanilla with chocolate syrup and peanuts. My dad always ate Mint Chocolate Chip. " I never finished this entry in my journal. I think my hand started to hurt, but by reading this it made me realize that those Monday nights were the only good times that come to mind. I know that there were other times that we had fun as a family, but the specifics don't come to me that easily. My father may have warped my illusions of love and fidelity. But I think I have come out of my childhood pretty well rounded. I have no idea what I am going to blog about....mostly my daily life. Hope you enjoy. :)